Last night we got a phone call from some good friends of ours that they were expecting another baby. In fact, I guessed their news before they even told us as we knew they were trying and it had been about six months so therefor in a regular family that is when you get pregnant:). The very first emotion I experienced for them was relief. I knew the wife had been a bit stressed when they didn't get pregnant within the first three months. Not many people realize this it is quite common for it to take longer than that. But as I know the pain of infertility so well, I often find myself praying for others that they will not experience what I have. I was not really surprised with their good news but rather relieved their wait was over and that they were now planning to welcome baby two into the family. It was exciting for me that I no longer feel jealousy first when I hear that someone is pregnant. I do still feel that at times but it is not first and strongest emotion I experience.
Later that same night we found out yet again that we were NOT expecting a baby. Yes, we are still trying but only for about two more months. Since we first started planning for kids Ben has been adamant that we not have biological children after I turn 40. And believe it or not yours truly is turning the BIG 40 in November. Ben is already on the waiting list for a vasectomy probably in March or April. He truly wants to make it permanent. While I don't feel as strongly as he does about this, I see his point.
So last night while I already knew in my heart of hearts that I was not pregnant it was still hard to know my short window of becoming a mom for a third time was closing. I must confess I shed a tear or two. But it wasn't the overwhelming bitter disappointment I used to experience. Rather, it was a sad acceptance of what is.
Then this morning in church we are sitting there singing about God's faithfulness and goodness and I am struck again by the need to be grateful for what I do have. These boys are just so much fun and bring endless joy to me. The love I feel for them is unlike anything I thought possible. I felt God's peace once again reminding me that I live a very blessed life and He knows what I need more than I know.
But I also felt I would put it out there to my friends and family to pray with us these next few months. I would love to have one more child. Honestly I would rather adopt again but that doesn't seem to be where God is leading this time. So I am left to hope that this body of mine would decided to work with us. It really would be miraculous if we did manage to get pregnant. Since miracles are God's job, I decided to get people to pray with us for a miracle.
I am fully convinced that if Jesus wanted us to have a baby, He could make it happen. However, I am also aware that He knows what is best for us and maybe a baby is not the best thing for our family. So if Jesus chooses to bless us with a miricle child number three, then great. If He chooses not to, then that is good too. Thanks for praying with us for either a miracle or peace as we close the door finally on more kids. That will be much harder for me than for Ben.
I know this blog post is more serious and to be honest I feel pretty raw and vulnerable putting it out there but I believe in prayer and I know many of you do too. Thanks for praying with us. I'll keep you posted.